He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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