my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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