i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
When are your genitals available?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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