I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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