Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
