he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
