I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
