Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
