have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you traded sex for a burrito?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
