is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
