what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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