I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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