Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
