Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
