Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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