the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
