just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
