I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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