I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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