I can tuck mytits in my pants
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
