I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
