I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
