I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
