The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Randomize
