ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
