called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
