What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
