I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i was born a porn star she said
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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