My sheets look like a crime scene.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
