My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
