genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
