I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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