I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
