Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
