do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
