I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
