I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
