now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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