My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
