OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
