it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
