I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
