the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
