I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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