she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
