So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
