its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
