The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
