I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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