youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Pooping to opera.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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